As it happens, it feels as though I’ve been adopting a very “Dauntless” attitude to a few things of late. Mostly this is all about the Social Anxiety side of my life, with a tiny bit of that spilling over into both the HFA and fibro warrior side of things. Because I have a tendency of waffling otherwise, I’ll break down into bullets what I’ve done over the last month or so that makes me a little bit Dauntless.
☆ I met a friend’s wife (did I ever tell you how much I hate the word, wife? And husband for that matter. Hate, hate, hate. Icky words, both!) after being pretty estranged from said friend for some time. As in, no contact. I actually met a perfect stranger, in public, for the mutual consumption of food. As in, actually met them. I don’t do this shit. But I did it.
☆ I’ve invited two people I don’t know (yet) IRL to the New Year party we’re having at our house. I really like these new people, really want to have them in my life, regardless of how hard it is. And if you read this blog, you know how I literally do nothing for myself. SO, to be inviting these people is difficult — but I really like them, so… what else is there to do?! Literally petrified, self-conscious about being ill “around” them, somehow, if that makes any sense at all… (which it doesn’t) and just. Help. But I’m doing it anyway.
☆ I started talking to my mum on the phone again, something I’d been unable to do for about a year. Because I just couldn’t “do” the phone, just couldn’t communicate with her. Idek why.
☆ I’ve also invited my Yamane’s boyfriend to the party, so that’s yet another person to meet. OH GOD. What am I doing to myself? Urk. Still… it’s important and it matters, so I’ll do it. And do my best. Hopefully.
☆ Actually entertaining getting a haircut. I probably won’t, but there you have it. Ugh. I really probably won’t, but… maybe?? No. Perhaps.
These things might seem tiny and small and not really worthy of note, but for someone who is literally dependent on someone else for even the simplest of social and communicative tasks (phone, doorbell, checkouts, my whole life) these steps are enormous. I’m just trying to sit here, being all calm and cool about it — and mainly not thinking about the actual reality of it until it’s happening. Because otherwise I will just freak myself the fuck out. And nobody wants that.
One of the things I’m most worried about is being ill around these new people. It’s hard enough being ill around my Yamane and Lilyflower, and my brother sometimes, let alone people who don’t really know how this illness leaves me. It’s embarrassing somehow and I can’t really figure out why. I don’t want to make a fuss, I guess, but fibro-fog can make that a little difficult sometimes, and I guess fibro can be a little extreme when it comes to me and just… it’s weird, OK?
Either way, I’m definitely being brave. I’m going to be a wreck after all this — but I’m hoping it will be more than worth it. it means I get to invite new people — new awesome people — into my life. And sod it, I deserve new awesome people.